Everyone has a moment when their life changes. I never was a real believer that one day could be the best day of a person’s whole life. Or that one moment could inspire change. Until it happened to me.
I thought about this day many, many times before it actually came. I replayed it over and over in my mind. I tried to predict the emotions I would feel. But all of the dreams in the world could not prepare me for what was actually going to happen on that day.
It was July 8th, 2012. I woke up and went to the bathroom like I did many mornings before with my belly in tow. I noticed that I was bleeding and got prepared to take another trip to the hospital (I had many hospital stays leading up to this point). However, this time it was finally show time. I could have as many contractions as I wanted and could push this baby out. And since I was closing approaching 200 pounds on my five foot tall frame after two months of bed rest, I was beyond ready to cut the cord.
There was the usual tubes everywhere and waiting not so patiently. My friends and family came and hung out in the room until it was time to really get going. Then there was all the gross stuff and after over an hour of pushing there was a baby. He was healthy and cute and everyone was excited.
But all I could think was something was missing. I was looking for all of those emotions and they weren’t there. I got weak. People were screaming. Who were these people screaming at? I could see the girl in a hospital bed. Then I realized that girl was me. I thought about dying because that seemed so much easier. But these people said I had a baby who needed me. Somehow I opened my eyes. Then it happened again. And once more.
Is that called dying and coming back to life or almost dying. I’m really not sure. All I know is that I did not know my child for the first two hours of his life. The rest of the details don’t matter.
I never thought about the change or consciously decided to live my life differently. It just happened. I grew. I grew up. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m very grateful for the changes I made or did not make rather. Other things just sort of happened after that. I was so happy to have my life and was willing to accept whatever else was God’s will. It is a constant reminder for me of the control that I do not have. I almost paid a great price to learn this lesson and never wanted to be in that position again.
But I also learned, that people are given many chances in life to learn the lessons they need to learn. And this is often presented in many different ways. I’m not sure how many times I could have had a life changing moment if I would have been still and open to the change. I would not change this experience in my life just to go back to the comfortableness of avoiding growth. In fact, now I know just how uncomfortable that really was. I never need to be comfortably uncomfortable again.