There’s no place like home

This evening before dinner my two year old asked to go to bed. “May I have some get in this bed please,” he said. YES, YOU MAY!!!!

Later I was putting his pajamas on and he was completely knocked out. He never even stopped snoring. I was thinking about how amazing that is that kids have the ability to sleep through anything when the slightest little thing wakes me up.  Is this something God equipped them with to help parents keep their sanity? Maybe. But I think it is a gift we give them as parents instead.

Children don’t have to wake up when they hear a strange sound or when the dog starts barking because that is what parents are for. We protect them and make them feel safe.  They know that mom or dad will make sure everything is okay and won’t let anything happen to them.

I guess that is why it is so comforting to watch a child sleep peacefully. There is a feeling of accomplishment that I get when I am looking at my child resting peacefully. Like, “Aaaaahhhhhhhh I did something right!”  And it is almost like he is saying back to me “Everything is perfect and comfortable here.”

My sister says I don’t give myself enough credit for being a good mom. But I am proud that my son Eli is holistically happy and healthy. Nothing means more to me than that. I don’t care if he is on the honor roll, where he goes to college (as long as it is NOT Alabama as I am an LSU fan) or what he does for a living. And if I can keep this up for the next 16 years I will be completely content with my job as a parent.

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Lord, Jesus!!!!!

I’ve started reading a book called Living Beyond Your Feelings by Joyce Meyer. If you find yourself to be spiritual or believe in God, she is definitely an author I recommend. But besides linking here ideas to bible scriptures, she makes some very valid points. And as a counselor, I’m kind of disappointed that I didn’t see things this way before.

I am not afraid of growing though and I work hard to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone (which is soooo hard for me). I want to continue to do things that I know I shouldn’t or not do things that I know I should. But ultimately I know that I can’t remain in the same place forever.

So, anyway back to the book….Joyce Meyer talks about not letting your feelings make decisions for you. Not just like “don’t make decisions when you’re mad”. Also, don’t make decisions because you’re happy or excited or based solely on an emotion.

This is especially difficult for me because I am emotional. I have strong emotions and I am very in touch with them and rely on them often. Umm, apparently that is a bad idea. Who knew? But really it makes so much sense to me.

Looking back on some decisions I made based on happiness, passion, excitement or even love did not always produce a result I was happy with or proud of. But if I can no longer operate on that I have some practice and rewiring to do. Dang it! I really thought when I was 30 I would be well into my career, living some middle-class life, being a mom and a wife, and pretty much being safe and boring. I can’t believe I’m still doing this whole self-discovery and improving myself thing.

So, what if I am supposed to do if I can’t just do what I feel? Only do what is right and don’t do what is wrong. Well, that sounds simple enough. And actually much easier because I certainly have more than two emotions in a day (or sometimes in a minute) that guide my actions. Since my decision making has been so sub-par, I think I’ll try this out. I don’t think this will be easy though or even entertaining at times.

I don’t have any good conclusion for this entry. There’s nothing profound I can say about this either. I’ll just leave this one as to be continued because this part of my life is definitely a work in progress (and under serious surgery and reconstruction and in rehab and therapy)…….

What to expect after expecting…and living with my wonderful, terrible two year old

The great thing about parenting is that you can never predict what will happen from one moment to the next. There is always a possibility that your child will do something to make you smile or forget about your bad day. Or maybe they will do something that will make you feel proud of the person they are growing into. But more than likely there will be many moments that will leave you speechless or without a solution. Moments where you will be thinking “WTF” or “is this really happening?”

I often wonder if there is a clinical diagnosis to describe the drastic changes in moods. Then I go to my counseling resources and aha! That is called bipolar disorder! And based on my desire to drink before the sun goes down, I guess that is called alcoholism.

This evening I picked my son up from his grandma’s house, came in and fixed a snack, and I warmed up some leftovers. Then I sat down at the table and talked to him about his day at school. We laughed and shared kisses. He told me some things he learned today. I ran him a bubble bath with eucalyptus and turned on my Chrisette Michele Pandora station that he loves. “Come on Eli, it is time to take a bath.” And then this happened…..

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He refused to take off his jacket. He screamed and cried and snot was running down his nose and into his mouth. I washed everything from his belly button down. Then I washed his face. Put a pull up on. Gave him a blanket and kissed him good night.

This is exactly what I look forward to when I am anticipating getting off from work and spending time with my little angel.

And that was the best day of my life

Everyone has a moment when their life changes. I never was a real believer that one day could be the best day of a person’s whole life. Or that one moment could inspire change. Until it happened to me.

I thought about this day many, many times before it actually came. I replayed it over and over in my mind. I tried to predict the emotions I would feel. But all of the dreams in the world could not prepare me for what was actually going to happen on that day.

It was July 8th, 2012. I woke up and went to the bathroom like I did many mornings before with my belly in tow. I noticed that I was bleeding and got prepared to take another trip to the hospital (I had many hospital stays leading up to this point). However, this time it was finally show time. I could have as many contractions as I wanted and could push this baby out. And since I was closing approaching 200 pounds on my five foot tall frame after two months of bed rest, I was beyond ready to cut the cord.

There was the usual tubes everywhere and waiting not so patiently. My friends and family came and hung out in the room until it was time to really get going. Then there was all the gross stuff and after over an hour of pushing there was a baby. He was healthy and cute and everyone was excited.

But all I could think was something was missing. I was looking for all of those emotions and they weren’t there. I got weak. People were screaming. Who were these people screaming at? I could see the girl in a hospital bed. Then I realized that girl was me. I thought about dying because that seemed so much easier. But these people said I had a baby who needed me. Somehow I opened my eyes. Then it happened again. And once more.

Is that called dying and coming back to life or almost dying. I’m really not sure. All I know is that I did not know my child for the first two hours of his life. The rest of the details don’t matter.

I never thought about the change or consciously decided to live my life differently. It just happened. I grew. I grew up. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m very grateful for the changes I made or did not make rather. Other things just sort of happened after that. I was so happy to have my life and was willing to accept whatever else was God’s will. It is a constant reminder for me of the control that I do not have. I almost paid a great price to learn this lesson and never wanted to be in that position again.

But I also learned, that people are given many chances in life to learn the lessons they need to learn. And this is often presented in many different ways. I’m not sure how many times I could have had a life changing moment if I would have been still and open to the change. I would not change this experience in my life just to go back to the comfortableness of avoiding growth. In fact, now I know just how uncomfortable that really was. I never need to be comfortably uncomfortable again.