I’m not feeling so hot today so I decided I would do something productive. Since I have been procrastinating going to the gym since forever, I decided I would just continue to do that and write instead. Which leads me into my next topic LOL…..
I have always taken pride in being the type of person who can have a lot to offer to other people. I am a natural nurturer and like to be the person who people can come to and depend on. I recognized that quality in myself, which is why I decided to become a teacher and then a counselor. But as one of my best friends said recently, “Even a therapist needs a therapist.”
It wasn’t until recently that I realized that is my best and worst quality. Sometimes giving to others is just that. It is doing something noble or just out of the kindness of your heart. But sometimes it is a distraction…it is focusing on others, deflecting your attention onto someone else and putting them in front of you so you don’t have to take care of yourself. For me it is about balance because that good thing can turn into the latter. And since I have perfected procrastination, it is really hard to make myself do certain things. I can blame that on being too busy or too tired or too distracted, but that never makes those things go away. They just pile up like the clothes in my clothes basket.
What I am learning is that mirrors are not just for checking your makeup or to see if you have food in your teeth. I like to look at this blog as my mirror. Once I publish something, its out there. Everyone can see it. And I have to look at it. I read a lot of self-help articles and inspirational quotes and such. I’m even a partial-fan of Iyanla (mostly because she does things the complete opposite of every counseling skill I’ve ever used or learned). But I have been following the series on the man with 34 kids and there have been some good things said…
One thing that stood out for me was when they asked the fiancee of one of the men featured about her vision. She immediately started talking about why she chose him and why she loved him. Then she asked her again what she saw for her future and she didn’t even understand the question. She didn’t even know what that meant. She was engaged to be married and had two children, but she could not answer a question about herself. She was raising two children, helping her fiance through graduate school and she was a teacher. But that was it. She had no vision for herself and plans for her future, yet she was giving so much of herself to other people’s vision.
Kinda made me think of myself. Well, it really made me think of myself. I have accomplished a lot. I have two degrees. I am a good mother. I have a good career. But that’s it. I haven’t thought much beyond that. And it made me think “What have I been doing?” The whole existing versus living thing is so cliché but it is so appropriate. I have just been going through the motions. Autopilot. To work. Home. Do it all over again.
The sad thing is I would never push myself to think about this too much if it weren’t for being a mom. That’s something I have to get out of. I have to make myself do things for myself and put myself first just as often. But the truth is I know I tell my child everyday how much I love him and that he can dream anything and never limit himself. However, how can I show him that? He had to have gotten that from somebody, right? He isn’t just amazing because he came from nothing. His father and I have to be able to take some credit at least for passing on our genes to him if nothing else. And if I have to teach him how to read or count to one hundred, I have to not only show him how to do it but why it is important.
I just wish i felt so strongly about going to the gym….(no judgment zone, right?)